Choosing a Relevant Comeback
Dr Reardon has discussed how comebacks work and what typically gets in the way of effective comebacks. This chapter offers a list of comebacks and categories but still requires you to practice and discern the appropriate time and place to use them. Reardon suggests that you make a list and review it from time-to-time.
The Comeback R-List
As with most forms of knowledge the more you study the more you become proficient. Comebacks are not a mystery to be held by some elite group of intellectuals. The ground state for learning is to memorize the R-List of Comebacks. This will put you on the path of significant comeback improvement. The R-List of the most common comebacks types drawn upon follows:
• Reframe: Recast the issues in a different light
• Rephrase: Say it in a different light way that works better for the you.
• Rejoin: Disarm the other person with an offhand phrase or witty retort.
• Revisit: Use an earlier success to redefine a current failures.
• Restate: Clarify or redirect.
• Request: Ask focused and deliberate questions.
• Rebalance: Adjust their power over you.
• Reorganize: Prioritize the issues to your favor.
• Rebuke: Chastise them or bring them up short.
• Retaliate: Get back at the them.
The list makes a handy tool from which to think more quickly. We will begin a closer inspection of each type.
Reframe: This one is the absolute favorite of many people. People naturally default to this method as they seek to define circumstances and people around them. Often people will carefully select the terms used. For instance, 'agrees' and 'admits' have two very different connotations. Agrees insinuates a state of being nice and cooperative. Whereas admits suggests guilt or a sense of being wrong. Therefore, careful selection of wording can reframe the conversation to one's favor.
The objective of a reframing strategy is to take the words used by another person then alter them in order to change the connotative and/or denotative meaning of the interaction toward your desired outcomes.
Reframing is a powerful tool that in practice becomes crucial to effective comebacks. Gaining skill in this method will propel you far beyond others who allow the words of another to define who they become. You will gain control over the situation and negotiate beet outcomes.
Rephrase: This method is similar to reframing but instead of changing meaning, this method asserts the correct or intended meaning. If the remark is left unchecked then it could result in dysfunctional relationships and paths. This method often begins with phrases like:
- Did you mean to say...
- If you meant...
- Would it be better to say...
Rephrasing seeks to clarify the situation by stepping back then regrouping and moving forward under the corrected or better understanding.
Rejoin: This method is designed and intended to avoid an awkward moment or digressing commentary by another that may result in an argument or you looking bad. The rejoiner is usually a neutral comment.
- Good for you
- Whatever...
- If that floats your boat
These are intended to diffuse an awkward moment and/or bring a strange comment to a close.
Revisit: Perfectly good conversations go bad simply because of a wrong word, thought, or poor body language. The revisit methods stops the downward spiral by returning to a good point. For example, reminders of the successes the two parties have had or returning to where the conversation left off on a positive note.
Revisiting is an anchor in a conversation and there can be many. Attentive and skilled comeback artisans listen for anchor points and changes in tone. At such tone changes, a revisit can quickly abate a downturn keeping the conversation on track.
Restate: We are responsible for 75% of how we are treated and sometimes we say things we did not mean or were simply misinterpreted. The quickest solution to this dilemma is to restate:
- Oh forgive me, let me restate ...
- Lets back up and start over....
- Did I just say that...
If done well, that is with humility and grace, most people will understand as they have done it too. Of course, if this happens too much then you will have other issues to contend with as others will expect you to self correct. Other than that you can use restatement as a means to restore a derailed conversation.
In some instances, especially when you are the leader, you may desire to assume more than your share of responsibility. You may do this for a variety of reasons. For example, other people are too focused on their mess up, you may have set the conditions for the mix up, or the situation is heading down the wrong path and needs to be brought to a stop. Regardless, of the cause, a decision is made to put the circumstances back on track by restating the intended communications in a non-offensive and positive light.
Restating is breaking patterns over an argument of right or justified in order to become effective again.
Request: WHEN IN DOUBT ASK! This method is perhaps the least used and the most important one of them all. Most people never ask questions. They simply react. Many people believe asking questions is a result of poor listening skills or is an indicator of weakness. Yet experts tout that the sign of a good leader is an inquisitive nature of asking questions. Therefore, when in doubt ask questions to validate your perceptions.
You rarely want to shoot from the hip but at times cannot avoid this. Training on the request comebacks can aid in reducing the negative affects of shooting from the hip. Asking the right questions can stall the moment long enough to assess misperceptions and clarify comments further. Sometimes people will attempt to wave off or graze over questions for a host of reasons. For example, they may feel it is too probing or revealing, a question could also be interpreted as an insult, indecisiveness, or a lack of competence. You have to exude confidence and properly phrase the questions. Your questioning should arise from the ole dictum of the 5W's and an H. He are some examples:
- Who put that idea out there?
- What is the real objective here?
- Where did you get that information?
- When should this be discussed?
- Why is this being brought up now?
- How are you going to contribute to the solution?
The last point and word of caution is that you do not want to elicit responses that you do not already have a feel about. Asking questions often leads to more questions which could be embarrassing or cause other issues. Model your questioning based on Socrates approach to guiding and steering conversations.
Asking questions causes people to rethink things and clarifies the situation. They can also buy time. Therefore, ask questions.
Rebalance: This method is about retaking power from those who have attempted to usurp your power and control. I'm the workplace, there are people who block progress of your work or take control of the destiny of your work. This is accomplished through a variety of means. First, you must understand that power is yours to give away and we do to undeserving people way too much.
One approach is to be proactive and take control of even minor circumstances. For example, a letter of recommendation that never seems to get written would be better handled by writing it yourself and walking it through the process.
You can use language that softens your level of control by asking if you can swing by to either drop it off or pick it up. In the end, you take positive control, usurp getting upset and frustrated, and manage the circumstances on your tine schedule.
Reorganize: All too often people create problems when they organize and prioritize activities that can affect other people. A skillful communicator will monitor for this seemingly benign ordering of importance by others then they will reset the order when common activities are imbalanced.
This method is also useful when people fail to prioritize too. Some people will see all activities in equal concern 'cluttering' with too much information then executing in a haphazard manner. A good communicator will assess this remove the excess and/or irrelevant data then zero in on the primary concerns. Often the communicator must take control of the situation and impose order on the chaos.
Reorganizing is a handy comeback strategy that focuses on the process. It can peel away personal injects and get at prioritizing the concerns. Reorganize may be characterized as the correction for a failure to communicate.
Rebuke: This method should used sparingly. A good communicator and leader would read the anticipatory clues then avoid any confrontation by simply minimizing exposure. Thus, never having to employ this method.
Nonetheless, letting people walk all over you or challenge your authority, respect, or esteem directly and overtly should never be tolerated. If you are confident about the nature of the remark or the character of the person then you have the rebuke method available to you.
The rebuke can come in several forms. Some these are:
Directly addressing the remark: This often results in a battle of the wits and refocuses the situation on the human relationships rather than the circumstances and progress.
Public humiliation: This is a belligerent method that can have dramatic impacts on morale, relationships, and cooperation. Other people may see this in an unfavorable light or misinterpret your intentions. This should not be employed unless the persons conduct is over the top, unyielding, and itself public. The best approach is to bring attention to the persons conduct.
Offering insulting commentary: Often used as an affront to their conduct or overbearing positions or when someone is acting in a pompous and arrogant manner. The intent is to terminate the conversation and reject their commentary by positioning yourself opposite of them.
Affirm the relationship: This is used when someone assumes undeserved authority or attempts to control you in an obnoxious or dominant manner. ie you are not my boss!
Gratuitous Insults: These are comments made that sound endearing to bystanders but possess a sting to the recipient.
Good communicators practice these techniques and are exceptionally cautious about deploying them. They seek to avoid these circumstances rather than deal with them.
Retaliate: This method, in all truth, should never be deployed. Once again a good leader and communicator will avoid these circumstances like the plague. Nonetheless, the workplace is brutal and there are people who deliberately take hostile actions against coworkers. They have a mindset to identify office place enemies and marginalized them. This method is outright belligerence.
Retaliation can come in various forms. One can usurp another's authority, control, and/or respect in the workplace. Even set the initial conditions for termination. However, retaliation and the circumstances that call for it are best avoided.
Commentary: In a secular world and work place that is becoming increasingly hostile, common grace and dignity are fleeting principles. Many people aspire to more power, visible material wealth, and influence. Other people simply are in over their heads and resort to less than becoming conduct. Thus, saving facing and acquiring power, wealth, and influence become more important than human relationships which are cavalierly treated as expendable. Stephen Covey speaks to principle centered leadership which gets at the root of these issues and may be a good review for you.
Finding Your Comeback Comfort Zone
There are many strategies, techniques, and methods that have been presented thus far. Not all of these may best fit each person's individual style as most people have comfort zones. It is important to know your comfort zone and have an awareness of when to leave it. If you are unable to manage this then you will feel helpless and stressed at work.
One of the key abilities of a good communicator is to know when to let loose, bluff, and/or avoid. This is essential to making effective comebacks and achieving the desired outcomes. Some communicators enjoy being underestimated and use that to their advantage.
The bottom line is that effective comebacks operate within your comfort zone, are deliberate, managed, and achieve a positive outcome. Negative comeback strategies should be avoided and employed only as a last resort. Usually these negative strategies are outside most people's comfort zone. Nonetheless, knowing when to use a method and when not to is a personal choice refined with experience and practice.
Commentary: Many of the negative methods have their foundations in war fighting concepts. These have been popularized and discussed in books like Leadership Principles of Attila the Hun or Sun Tzu: The Art of War. For example, taking a strength and portraying it as a weakness in order for your opponent to underestimate you. Once lured in, you retaliate with a vengeance. Many people have read these books and have taken those principles to heart. As an outcome you may be confronted with these in the workplace as they practice them.
For example, I worked in a small firm once where they often perform duties as professional witnesses. Some of the professionals in the firm had been trained in psychological methods used in the court room and often practiced them on the staff in the office in order to achieve their mundane objectives. It gave them a sense of power over others by often usurping another's authority. However, whenever someone unexpectedly pushed back the professional witness's own insecurities would run uncontrollable and even childish. It would be wise to at least have an understanding of these counter-culture books and methods out there when assessing comeback strategies. Your objective is not to war fight but instead bring people together and focus on positive outcomes.
Which comebacks work for you
You now have a sense of which methods are in your comfort zone. Now you need to assess the intensity with which your comebacks are applied. There is a rheostat of intensity that ranges from passive to highly aggressive. The various degrees of intensity follow:
- Let it Pass - ignore the remarks, silence, perhaps comment that you will let that one go.
- Silent Contact - long stare, a nod of disapproval, or other body language of disapproval.
- Give the Chance to do the right thing - rephrase, revisit, restate, request
- Set them straight for their own benefit - restate, rebalance, reorganize, rebuke
- Consider yourself told - rebuke, retaliate, rebalance,
- You'll wish you were never born - retaliate, hard glares or body language of disgust, public humiliation,
You should think about your comfort zone and the use of intensity in your responses. Dr. Reardon offers a matrix scale to meter your response levels. Ideally, intensity should be low and positivity should be high. It is better not to over do it and on the safe side. Then gradually increase intensity over time learning the best levels. You do not want to err on the side of high negativity and high intensity. That could have negative impacts on you.
In the end, you do not have to be someone you are not. You simply need to increase awareness, learn new methods, practice delivery, and be yourself but a little more savvy.
References:
Covey, S.R. (1992). Principle Centered Leadership. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Gladwell, M. (2005). Blink: the power of thinking without thinking. (1 ED). Little, Brown and Company. New York
Griffith, S.B. (1971). The Art of War. Oxford University Press
Reardon, K.K., (2010). Comebacks at work: using conversation to master confrontation. (1 ED.). Harper Collins publishers, New York
Roberts, W. (1990) Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun. Business Plus
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