This series of postings will discuss using communication methods to gain control of circumstances and reduce your chances of becoming a target. We will cover ten (10) chapters in the book "Comebacks at Work" over the next several weeks. I'll attempt to couple these when appropriate with other authors works such as Dale Carnegie.
The Perils Of Patterns
An article named, "Good Communications That Block Learning" by Harvard professor Chris Argyris argues most people develop models early in life in order to deal with emotional and threatening issues at work. Most people operate based on a dual system or a master program; one that is learned and one that is earned. The learned program is intellectual in nature and is often the 'espoused theory-in-action' as part of one's constitution. The program that is the earned one is the 'theory-in-use' that is the outcome of life experience. The gap between the espoused and the in-use creates contradictions that are counter to good communications. there are some patterns in this and the book will explore these in order to replace them with more effective communications.
Avoiding Communication Ruts
Many people develop their communications style early in life then fail to adjust to different environments and cultures. This failure to adjust is characterized by repetitive conduct that results the person becoming stuck in a rut. This can hold a person back from career opportunities. Professionals should develop several communication styles. The key is learning to identify circumstances and selecting the appropriate communication style. When in doubt, the best style is to revert to a help me understand style. It endears others in sort of a Dale Carnegie methodology that involves listening and demonstrating a genuine concern for others as well as involving others in the process.
The first step, as with Carnegie, is looking at ourselves before trying to change others. We must admit on some level that we all develop patterns when interacting with others. There are both functional and dysfunctional patterns. Most people are held back at effective comebacks because they were unable to change their communication patterns that are within their control to do so.
Unwanted Repetitive Episodes
The up side to patterns is that they are easily identified and managed with little re-training. Patterns make conversations predictable. The downside is that we become predictable and fail to learn or change. We become sitting ducks when this occurs. Doctor Reardon refers to this as Unwanted Repetitive Episodes (URPs). Identifying this condition aides in changing your patterned behavior. We need to learn how to handle the unexpected. These are URP situations:
1. Personal or Protected Information Queries
There are people who, for various reasons, ask personal or proprietary questions and sometimes these question can be pointed. A relatively trusting and open person may share some this information which could be misused later. The questioning could push you beyond a tolerance level and result in an URP. Your undesirable responses may include getting angry, lashing out, or to offend. These are unproductive responses.
In professional cultures especially, you should think through, in advance, what kind of questions are off the table and develop productive responses to these questions. The response should first demonstrate genuine concern for the other person then terminate the questioning. For example, Could you please clarify why you need to know this information, otherwise we should not be discussing this. If the questioning persists then increased forcefulness will most likely be required. For example, We determine your need for this information is not justified. Let us move on. Then if the questioning continues and is approached differently or cast a different way then an even stronger response is necessary. For example, Smile remark, You have reached the quota for today; Then turn and walk away.
2. Jumping to Judgement
Another URP tendency is to reply or react too quickly before discerning if harm was intended. This is as dysfunctional as allowing another to put you in a compromising position with personal questions. As a general rule, observing a situation or stalling for time for a few minutes is a good idea. Proficient comebacks are deliberate and the result of correctly assessing the circumstances. A good stall tactic is to ask questions that clarify or discern the situation. This allows you to self-correct too. You will need to determine the mood you desire to set in your response but try something like smiling or chuckling as you ask Could you please clarify that remark as I do not want to make a mistake. Of course, you can be direct but be aware not to be confrontational.
Giving the chance to people to explain or clarify is a gift from their vantage point whether deserving or not. This alters the course of the conversation in a right-the-situation strategy. Most will alter the conversation and the communication method. This is a good strategy in professional settings where the objective is to move things forward and build repetitive working relationships. After all, some people are just brazen or a little to forward leaning sometimes but well intentioned.
Another situation that many people have trouble dealing with are individuals who have fits-of-rage not at specific people but circumstances. These people are in most cases highly attuned to principles that when violated cause outrage. Realizing that they may be yelling a lot but not at anyone is a special skill. Allowing these people to vent and focusing on commonalities is rare that relies on how to listen and observe.
Aristotle had some wisdom regarding comebacks. In summary, he saw three kinds of outcomes that stem from unavoidable natural feelings such as temper in which humans are liable; Mistakes, Misadventure, and an Injury. Those actions done in ignorance are mistakes. When the outcome of actions occurs contrary to reasonable expectations, that is a misadventure. And when the outcome results from a knowing act then that is an Injury. None of these outcomes make a human wicked or evil unless the human acts out of malice intent.
Dr. Reardon points to misadventures as a key category asking how often do we say something and get the opposite or unexpected reaction. All kinds of factors come into this scenario. The messenger is simply tired, dealt with another contentious issue causing bleed over, is in a bad mood, etc... Taking a pause, applying Dale Carnegie principles of smiling, not condemning or complaining, and showing genuine interest in the other person apply well here. Create stalling mechanisms and phrases to regroup the situation.
"I suggest we step back for a moment."
"Tell me. I want to understand [or listen]."
"Are you okay?"
3. Confronting and Demurring Too Quickly
All too often we react too quickly and jump to judgment. We slip into a pattern of conduct that either confronts or fails to assert ourselves. Dr. Reardon uses a directionality in a conversation to determine your pattern. She label confrontation as one-up and acquiesce as one-down. She further clarifies that there is nothing wrong with these comments except if you are doing one way too much. This can be costly to your career. Her remedy is to insert more one-across comments than the others which give you time to think.
Silence is an across comment but can be incorrectly perceived since many people cannot handle silence well. Other across comments include:
"Run that by me again."
"What was that logic?"
"That is interesting"
"Hmmmm."
"I see."
The idea is to stall for time, reroute the conversation in a constructive manner. In stalling for time you can send signals that cause the other person to rethink their comment or position by selecting the appropriate across-comment. This is an under utilized strategy and would be of benefit to hone skills in this skill set.
Conclusion:
This chapter focused on patterns and using time as well as across-comments to break bad patterns of conduct. Dale Carnegie methods apply well in developing responses. Dr Reardon offers several techniques to break Unwanted Repetitive Episodes, URPs. The primary take away for the reader is to stall for time, level the commenting, and redirect the communications towards productive outcomes.
Reference
Reardon, K.K., (2010). Comebacks at work: using conversation to master confrontation. (1 ED.). Harper Collins publishers, New York
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