This series of postings will discuss using communication methods to gain control of circumstances and reduce your chances of becoming a target. We will cover ten (10) chapters in the book "Comebacks at Work" over the next several weeks. I'll attempt to couple these when appropriate with other authors works such as Dale Carnegie.
When Conflict is Inevitable
People disagree. Thus, conflict is inevitable. The trick is to manage disagreement in constructive ways and to avoid having ourself drawn into responding in disagreeable ways. One cannot be defensive nor needlessly personal. Taking yourself out of disagreements and emotional detachment is important achieving an effective comeback.
Get Rid of "I" and "Me"
If you hear yourself using the words "I" or "Me" more than occasionally then you more than likely are the problem. Using these pronouns allows emotions and feelings to dominate your thoughts and places the focus on yourself rather than the source of a problem. By doing so, the offending person does not have to explain, apologize, or correct their ways. Simply reframing your own responses to remove any personal focus and place the offending comment under the lens strengthens your position. In some cases, you can reframe ignoring insults and move things forward giving them a pass even though you know exactly what was intended. In essence, saving face is a Dale Carnegie thought. You will need to weigh your approaches and determine what is best for your objectives.
Thinking Along with Your Opposition
In general and as a rule, describing your emotional state is not appropriate and can be a mistake. Nonetheless, there are times to address emotions. At times, both sides have deeply invested views. Co-opting common portions and principles of the opposing side can allow for open discussions and debates without yielding the emotionally invested portions. Making people feel they are wrong and you are right by virtue of their error rarely is effective. Somehow you got to connect what matters to you with what matters with others.
"Telling it like it is" places people on the defensive. Inflammatory remarks simply indicates you fail to recognize that people are often only partially incorrect. If you listen to what people say then you will realized that there are nuggets of agreement. Unfortunately, most people fail to see them. Finding those nuggets during dissension is not easy but can save face, keep relationships sound, and move discussions forward.
Getting Past Derision
At times, we are all confronted with mockery and ridicule, derision. Sometimes the conduct originates from cultural bias, stereotypes, and at other times from immature behavior. Whatever the source of the derision, you need to push through your doubts conjured up by the poor expectations of others. You need to bypass the negative first impressions and with confidence press ahead.
To Put It In Your Words
Sometimes an offensive remark can be made part of a positive response. Rather than fight everything, consider parsing out pieces then co-opting them into your response. This takes practice and you need to learn to listen carefully. Some people simply speak in negative manners that can derail progress. Learn to flip thoughts to positive connotations.
When Words Alone Will Not Do
Facial expressions and other body language can stand alone as comebacks. They can be more effective too. Gaining control and practicing the use of body language can send signals when words are not as effective.
Make People Feel Bigger
Always work to elevate other people even though the dispute is spirited. Ronald Reagan was a great communicator who used humor to refocus the situation.
Commentary: Making people feel bigger hinges on several Dale Carnegie principles such as Arouse Eager Want in Others, Make the other person feel important, or The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Reardon, K.K., (2010). Comebacks at work: using conversation to master confrontation. (1 ED.). Harper Collins publishers, New York
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