This series of postings will discuss using communication methods to gain control of circumstances and reduce your chances of becoming a target. We will cover ten (10) chapters in the book "Comebacks at Work" over the next several weeks. I'll attempt to couple these when appropriate with other authors works such as Dale Carnegie.
Getting Started
There are many types of comeback scenarios that happen to people in the workplace. Most people are not fortunate and have had to withstand most of these scenarios. They worry on the way to work if they will be caught off guard, taken for granted, used, abused, or cornered. But they have not learned what to say, how to save their jobs and credibility, or deal with being put on the spot.
The comeback scenarios come in general forms to include gratuitous insults, pigeonholing, outcasts, put downs, labeling, back stabs, and even innocent or thoughtless outbursts. Your responses can be many and selection of the appropriate response depends on your assessment of the circumstances and desired posturing. The objective of an adept communicator is to demonstrate, in most cases, displeasure with the other person's choice of words and to take the conversation in a positive direction. Each and every response should be deliberate rather than a knee-jerk or in-kind reaction.
The 75 Percent Rule: Each person is, at least, 75% responsible for how people respond to us.
People will say and do what they might. Nonetheless, we influence how the conversation proceeds. Each conversation is a building block. Each conversation contributes to how we see ourselves, how others perceive us, and sets limits. Therefore, we have proprietary interest in the direction and success of our conversations. Failure to realize this abdicates power to others and that is not good for you.
Frame of Mind
One's frame of mind has to change in order to ignore insults and negative language in the language from others then steer the conversation towards a positive outcome. People tend to synthesize happiness even in miserable conditions. We look for the silver lining and operate from that vantage point. There are several tactics used to achieve this shift and the include the sage use of the smile, questions, pauses, humor, and appeals to nobler principles. Bypassing, recasting or reframing hostile remarks often endears your audiences and redirects otherwise baited arguments.
Martha Stewart commented during an interview, " She [Racheal Ray] professed she cannot bake. She just did a cookbook, which is just a re-edit her older recipes. That is not good enough for me. I mean, I really want to write a book that is a unique and lasting thing, something that will really fulfill a need in someone's library. So, she's different. She is more of an entertainer ... With a bubbly personality than'she is a teacher like me."
Stewart's remarks were really inflaming and were treated as a public trashing of Ray.
Ray reacted to queries about Stewart's comments by recasting the remarks, diffusing the feud baiting, and allowed Stewart to save face remarking, "Why would it make me mad? Her skill set is beyond mine. That's simply the reality of it. That does not mean what I do is not important too. I just think she is being honest. When it comes to producing a beautiful, perfect, high-quality meal, I'd rather eat Martha's rather than mine."
The technique Ray used was technically called 'fractionation'. This divides contentious remarks up into elemental components that are addressed individually. By responding in this manner Ray showed herself to be confident, intelligent, and generous.
Something Amiss
Recognizing the clues that something is amiss is the first step towards becoming good at comebacks. This requires learning from mistakes and missed opportunities. You may want to reflect on the recent past for a situation when you missed clues that you were about to be put on the spot. In retrospect, could you have seen it coming? Could you have steered the conversation away from the attack? What is the character of the person delivering the attack? People who are good at comebacks spend time reflecting, not stewing, on the event looking for clues. In time, you too will develop a sense when the circumstances are organizing for an attack.
Pay attention to the conversations in the near term you will be having. Work on developing your senses. Good comebacks rarely come out of the blue. By monitoring now you gain a keen awareness. As you ability to pickup on clues increases you will be caught off guard leas and less.
Summary
In review, the lesson out of this is that there are more than one way to respond and often clues precede the wayward communication. Techniques discussed included; fractionation, reframing, and bypassing. Conversations are building blocks that can be used to influence perceptions and control your circumstances. Your goal is to be deliberate in conversation rather than react. Avoid patterned conduct. Become flexible and push beyond old habits. Take responsibility of your communications Be attentive to hostile clues in your conversations
Commentary: Project managers often will assess stakeholders and sponsors in a project to determine risk and the dispositions of key project participants. The project manager will create a stakeholder register citing level of risk, disposition, and handling concerns. If you create such a document it would be wise to keep it hidden or stored at home as revealing in the workplace would most certainly cause perturbations for you. However, a register of leadership and employees created early on then maintained could be a valuable instrument in strengthening relationships and properly identifying clues to communication challenges. Author Joseph Phillips has likewise taken project management principles and applied them to his life in his book The Lifelong Project. This may be a viable tool when getting started with improving communications and managing your comebacks.
Reference
Reardon, K.K., (2010). Comebacks at work: using conversation to master confrontation. (1 ED.). Harper Collins publishers, New York.
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