Pulsing the Other Person: ComeBacks at Work

Comment: The work place has become a challenging place today. People are on edge, tempers flare, and in some cases the competitiveness has taken a hostile tone. Simply put, good communication skills is not enough.  Professionals must become skilled at handling difficult people and in many cases corporate psychopaths. 

This series of postings will discuss using communication methods to gain control of circumstances and reduce your chances of becoming a target. We will cover the chapters in the book "Comebacks at Work" over the next several weeks. I'll attempt to couple these when appropriate with other authors' works such as Dale Carnegie.

This post is on the technique of 'Pulsing' which is used to gauge a situation. 

Pulsing the Other Person

When communicating with others and sending various messages, pulsing is a method of gauging other people's disposition; style, mood and receptivity. The most astute among us perform this quickly before delivering messages in order to ensure the conditions are favorable. Of equal importance, is the appropriate selection of comebacks in order to be effective when messages are received that are unfavorable. The ability to assess the situation is crucial in emotional and public situations. The technique of pulsing does not come easy to impulsive or overconfident people either. Some common errors impulsive and overconfident folks make include:

• Jumping to conclusions
• Relying on first reactions
• Internalizing the focus on oneself; selfishness
• Failing to consider past histories
• When kindness is extended, failing to respond with the principle of reciprocity
• One Up'ing; Failing to use the one down or one across method in language

The one upper can become a contest as well as offensive. The competitive process begins when an experienced person shares their 'better' experience after hearing a similar one. The offensive process begins with comebacks 'more' offensive putting another in their place as a matter of defense. The situation can be diffused with a one down or one across comment. 

Culture has an impact on pulsing too. High context cultures which are typically Asian are better at pulsing than low context cultures such as the United States.  When a culture is outcome-driven, extra care has to be taken to ensure that the right processes will give rise to desired outcomes.  If driven to results quickly,  an injustice could be done by neglecting to pulse the people who determine the outcomes. Overall, there are innumerable opportunities to alter the course of a conversation if the time is taken to pulse the other people. 

Pulsing Known and Unknown People

There is a dialectic struggle within people. There is theory of who they say they are and then there is the practice of who they are. Often the two are in conflict. Likewise, there is a concept, Myths of Disparity, which states that we tend to think we know someone but only know the illusion. Thus, we act or react based on the illusion. This Myth can mislead one when pulsing. Therefore, the investment needs to be fostered in which a relationship and positive history needs to be established. If there is no history or relationship then folks need to be prudent, patient, and observant. The mindset of the person pulsing is curiosity rather than defensiveness. 

Taking the pulse of an unknown person is somewhat different than someone known.  The unknown person requires far more effort assessing mood, receptivity, character, and communication style. Whereas the known person will be assessed or pulsed for mood and receptivity since the other aspects are known.  Early in a relationship, people tend to invest heavily in social etiquitette masking their moods and receptivity.  Therefore, body language becomes more important. Dr. Reardon gives some guidance regarding body language: 

• Assess the differences between denotative and connotative meanings. 
• Assess the person's convictions. Do they demonstrate virtuous gesticulations and eye contact?
• Assess tone.  If there is a mismatch between tone and content then there may be something hidden.
• Listen to style; commanding, logical, inspirational, or supportive. 

Listening to how people speak, you can achieve some degree of pulsing from which to baseline for the future. Many folks pulse using only one indicator, the predominant one, which can go a long way in knowing how best to communicate with them.   

When They've Pulsed You Wrong

Other people are reading signals from you.  Being able to manage your own signals is the ideal situation.  However, most people will only have an awareness and may adjust or correct. The measure of ability to do this is the Emotional Quotient, EQ.  If someone misread your pulse then one of the comeback methods involves setting parameters for the relationship subtlely by framing circumstances. For example, when someone expresses appreciation given the incorrect use of your time then use something like this: 

"You're welcome. You'd do the same for me, I'm sure."

This sends a subtle signal that you normally don't do things in this way and the other person should think before asking. The response also sends the signal that you are pleased and that perhaps in the future they may be called upon as a favor too.

The most important take way is that you are being pulsed and you are responsible for how you are treated 75% of the time. Mis-pulsing can box you into a corner that could have been avoided having had practice and developed intuitive skills. 

Comment: Pulsing is learning to read people. This is not a science but instead an art. Pulsing is not perfect but does offer methods and means of learning to read a person. The methods and means include understanding body language, assessing histories for relationships, building relationships, developing a sense of your own actions, and the ability to modify your actions and language in order to achieve positive outcomes and move closer towards goals during adverse situations.  With practice and skill people become more adept at handling situations. 

There are a few folks who not only learn these skills to read people but leverage them in ways that dominate and control the situation for selfish and ill spirited reasons such as climbing the ladder or seeking their personal gain. These people are destructive and fall under the concept of the corporate psychopath. Managing intent is a more difficult and advanced skill set that often requires authority, position, and/or top cover.   Your position in relation to the person exhibiting these traits is essential. Almost always you will need to remove yourself or leave if subordinate to the person. Although, you can protect yourself and manage the situation using these skills until you are able to egress. Top cover is useful when a boss sets the tone and everyone is horizontal equals.  You can appeal to the tone during the conversation to disarm the person. Of course, if you are positionally over the other person then you have the advantage and can steer the conversation more easily. 

Overall, people, their behaviors, and their responses can be difficult and unpredictable. Pulsing is a leading indicator that can point to ground conditions such that the direction of the conversation can be steered and managed to a positive result. 

Reference

Reardon, K.K., (2010). Comebacks at work: using conversation to master confrontation. (1 ED.). Harper Collins publishers, New York