Commentary: The work place has become a challenging place today. People are on edge, tempers flare, and in some cases the competitiveness has taken a hostile direction. Simply good communication skills is not enough. Professionals must become skilled at handling difficult people and in many cases corporate psychopaths.
This series of postings will discuss using communication methods to gain control of circumstances and reduce your chances of becoming a target. We will cover ten (10) chapters in the book "Comebacks at Work" over the next several weeks. I'll attempt to couple these when appropriate with other authors works such as Dale Carnegie.
Ten Questions to Ask Yourself
The goal of this post is to consider ten potential questions that need to be asked regarding relationships and circumstances at hand. Like the R-List cited in Chapter 6, Choosing a Relevant Comeback, these questions are another tool. After some practice these questions should become second nature. It does take a lot of training but it begins here and in the end one should handle confrontation much better.
01. How much do I care about this relationship?
nearly all human activity involves fostering and building relationships. The question that has to be answered relates to one of three conditions of the relationship; professional, personal, or expendable. According to Dr. Reardon, the guiding rule is to use a comeback that does not damage the relationship or another person's ego. This can be difficult to achieve when the other person is vile and deserving of a response in kind. The secret is that people who get ahead are people who make others feel good about having them around. A quick whit is good but does not always engender friends. Also stepping on toes is not a good idea either but often collaboration will not yield results in a timely manner. These are situations that create confrontation and reaction from people that you need to manage. Remember you are 80% responsible for your outcomes.
In a world in which we are only three to six degrees away from everyone else, chances are that most relationship encounters are important at some level. Most productive relationships rank in the first three or possibly four degrees. Treat all relationships as not expendable.
02. To what extent is the offense purposeful?
This is perhaps one of the more important questions. Discernment of intentions is very important. We need to filter the hustle of the day for the real important insults. When someone does or says something insulting or confrontational; diffuse the remark and clarify. Ask yourself, "How close to my threshold is this? Use the continuum in Chapter 3, Assessing Baseline Comeback Skills, to assess situation. Then asked them, "Was that meant to be insulting or off color?" You should choose the degree to which you are hard or direct. Everything should be taken in a professional context in order to avoid personal betrayal emotions.
03. Did you contribute? Do you own part of the problem?
Earlier Reardon introduced Unwanted Repetitive Episodes, URPs, which indicated that we communicate and influence based on histories. Communications require a sender and receiver. Thus, not all communication problems are the other person's fault. If you find yourself in a situation where the other person is reacting oddly then ask, "Am I causing this?" Granted there are some people who naturally form opinions quickly about you. So when the conditions are identified, you must carefully craft and reconstruct things in the right way. That means providing opinions and putting people at ease. This way both parties can move forward. Reardon reflects on Dale Carnegie Principles of avoiding an argument, letting others save face, become interested in other people, and stir eager want.
04. Is your credibility - or something else valuable to you - on the line?
When ever people attempt to scorch your reputation, it is time to give back as good as you got. Fire back with evidence and confidence to shake the ground of future attackers. Take note of the attackers position acknowledge merits in their attack and return fire where they are incorrect. If done correctly a good critic will enjoy the verbal spar. Comment: A word to the wise, there are some folks who enjoy disrupting people's career. They set prejudicial arguments and channel others into their lair for the kill. It takes tactic and skill to identify and break out of the prejudicial argument. When you break out of the argument the attacker will be in unfamiliar territory and usually become obstinate or vile. You then have the dominant position. Prejudicial arguments are designed to lead the target having predetermined solutions or answers that disadvantage the target and elevate the attackers position usually pointing to a specific conclusion.
05. Did the person attacking you do enough damage to himself?
There are times when an attacker sinks himself in an effort to make you look bad. The best response is a blank stare or turning the back while shaping your head then change the subject. The big question is how do you know when someone sinks themselves?
When someone looks bad themselves, it usually is because they conduct themselves in a manner unbecoming, ask questions that are taboo, or remark in ways that implicate themselves. Remarking in public is not a good idea. Silence or the skillful use of silence is better. Body language can be used effectively during these times. Observe others under attack for reactions and outcomes or if the other person survives. You may meet privately with the attacker to discuss the reasons for outrage or any underlying causes. Be certain to fall back on Dale Carnegie principles.
06. Are you inserting yourself into the response too much?
When working with comebacks you have to be objective and remove as much of the emotion as possible for your position. You do this by shifting to third person as much as possible. The discussion cannot be about you but instead about the circumstance and the other person. The other person will be all to delighted to make the issue about you. Do not give them this ground. The goal is to discuss thoughts and observations, not feelings.
07. Do they know what to expect of you?
Do not be predictable. Humans are creatures of habit and patterns. There is tremendous power in being unpredictable. However, if you overdo it others become suspicious of you or think you are down right strange. Nonetheless, skillful use of unpredictability leads to surprise which can go a long way. Instead of getting angry as expected or maybe even prodded, be calm.
08. What does your gut instinct tell you? How about the other person's body language?
There are three ways of thinking in general; creative, critical, and gut. Most people hone one or two and fewer hone all three. Gut thinking is instinctive and results from experience and/or training more than anything else. People who gut think make quantum leaps in judgement anticipating something about to occur. They are poised to react more quickly that critical thinkers who first have to assess the situation or creative thinkers who have to select a response. Episodic memory in gut thinkers kicks in and the appropriate response is more likely to be effective. But that may not be enough or may be delivered incorrectly due to body language.
People with high emotional quotients, EQs, have an innate awareness of body language and can adapt theirs to the situation. Others must develop their body language awareness. Practicing in front of a mirror can help. Reading the other person body language can increase the context of the message being delivered. However, in a digital age context is attenuating to the words written or voice transmitted. Skillful use of words and language help improve the delivery.
09. Are you sufficiently skilled to pull this off?
Everyone has a comeback comfort zone. The situation, personalities, and environment all combine to create the culture for comebacks. While some work and other do not, you have to develop the gut feel for what works and what does not. You'll need to assess the boundary limits and skill sets. Trial and error is the primary route and it is the unknown territory that must be traversed again and again. You need to poke the system to see the sensitivities which can provide good information but also has a risk of creating appearances with negative outcomes. In time, you will gain confidence and overcome brain freeze. The answer is yes, you are able to pull this off.
10. Can you live with the outcome?
Taking the long view is important in life and if overdone it can delay action or if underdone it can fall short creating future issues. Those who use comebacks effectively are not impulsive, short term thinkers. Blasting forward with comebacks without proper experience and consideration is usually foolish. One has to meter and practice along the way in moderation increasing skill and confidence.
Nonetheless, there are times when the offense is too egregious that immediate and powerful responses are warranted regardless of the career or job consequences. Effective communicators prevent themselves from overreacting. Injecting activities such as counting down, taking deep breathes, or excusing ones self are reasonable ways of averting emotional tendencies such as outburst or snippet remarks.
In conclusion, keeping these ten questions at hand or memorized will aid in assessing the situation quickly. The more prepared you are the better you will be at comebacks as these situations are inevitable everywhere. In time, people will begin to think twice about saying something that will engender a comeback from you according to Dr Reardon.
Reference
Reardon, K.K., (2010). Comebacks at work: using conversation to master confrontation. (1 ED.). Harper Collins publishers, New York
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