Commentary: This is the first in a series of the review of Dale Carnegie's book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. This program is attractive to professional relationships due to it's time tested advice for those moving up the ladder of success. I have been introduced to Dale Carnegie training not once but twice. I attended Naval Aviation Officer Candidate School or AOCS during 1988 through which Dale Carnegie principles were first introduced to me, at least in part. Years later during 1999 I attended the Dale Carnegie school and coursework introducing me again to the Dale Carnegie method and principles. This series may be reviewed at All the Principles in One Post
I am going to skip ahead to the meat of the Dale Carnegie program reviewing several chapters at once. I am also going to relate other books, sources, and authors to Dale Carnegie's work during this summary review in order to give you direction in seeking deeper knowledge. This is Dale Carnegie's method.
If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive
Carnegie begins this chapter with a discussion on criticism. He comments that criticism puts people on the defensive and compels them to defend their actions without regard to the character of their own actions. Criticism damages one's sense of pride, self-worth, and arouses resentment. Carnegie comments that criticizing does not encourage durable improvements or influences people's actions positively. In short, humans thirst for approval.
Through a series of examples, Carnegie demonstrates that by changing the approach from authoritarian, critical, and demanding to one of compassion, understanding, and embracing common concerns can yield stronger responses. Carnegie encourages people not to admonish others. Instead, he remarks that people should step back and think through the situation then look for alternative responses. In many cases, Carnegie illustrates where people would write stinging letters but never send them. It would allow them to vent and think through their anger without causing an uproar.
Carnegie comments that one should begin at home changing one's self before criticizing or complaining about or to others. Carnegie sums up his thoughts stating to seek sympathy, understanding, and kindness. He suggested to forgive all. Do not condemn, complain, or criticize.
Principle 1: Do not condemn, complain, or criticize
Commentary: Dale Carnegie points to a poor character trait of criticizing that stems from a sense of personal inadequacy within one's psyche. These people find fault in everything then critically highlight the discovery which becomes complaining. This is clearly poor conduct. There is a time and place to bring to bear righteous judgement, a form of criticizing that distinguishes between right and wrong. In doing so, be certain that you have made your self correct first then criticize through constructive feedback seeking to understand the circumstances first. In regards to condemning, humans should never condemn another human as this conduct, at least in the Judeo/Christian worldview, has been reserved for God. Carnegie recited from the Bible, Matthew 7:1; judge not yet ye be judged.
The Big Secret of Dealing With People
There is only one way to get someone to do anything. That way is create the conditions that cause a person to want do the thing you desire them to do. Of course, you can induce someone through threats and force but that is not in alignment with the Dale Carnegie method. He came to the realization that people have a desire to be important and that is a recurring theme in his book.
Carnegie essentially sites some of Maslow's hierarchy of needs as wants that cannot be denied. His list is inclusive of health, life, food, sleep, and a sense of importance. Carnegie argues that the sense of importance is a driving factor in humans. He cites Charles Schwab, " I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving incentive a person to work. So I am anxious in praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and in my praise." Carnegie comes back to this point later as a principle.
People, Carnegie argues, are hurting for sincere appreciation which is nourishment to their souls. People have been known to go insane seeking approval they never get in life according to Carnegie. He urges you to forget flattery which is heartless adoration. Instead, give honest, sincere appreciation that increases one's sense of importance and gives levity to their efforts.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation
He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World With Him, He Who Cannot Walks Alone.
Carnegie begins by remarking that you catch a fish with worms. Most people do not even think twice about that because fish like worms. He suggests that you use the same common sense with approach with people, identify what they want and give that to them. So the only way to get people to do what you need them to do is talk about what people want and show them how to get it. This is another principle Carnegie come back to later.
Commentary: Perhaps Stephen Covey got his phrase, "give them man a fish and feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and feed him for a lifetime" from Dale Carnegie's concept. Covey has hit upon the notion of showing people how to get what they want. This may be an effective method of creating eager want in another person that compounds or builds a foundations for greater successes.
Henry Ford said, "If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that angle as well as from your own."
The world is loaded with self-serving people. So rare is the unselfish who attempt to serve others that they have an enormous advantage, little competition. People who are capable of seeing another's perspective and see the inner workings of another's mind never have to worry about the future. Carnegie encourages that you strive to get from his book the increased tendency to think in terms of the other person's point of view and. See things from another angle. He claims this to be a build block of a successful career.
Carnegie cautions not to construe seeing things from another's angle as manipulating a person to achieve your goals to his detriment. Each should gain in the relationship.
Commentary: Stephen Covey expands with his "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" on Dale Carnegie's notion that each party should gain. Covey' s Habit 4 is to think win-win.
This skill centers on identifying the motivating factors for other people and then leveraging them for a common goal. Carnegie offers numerous examples where people expressed things in either harsh terms or in selfish terms but quickly learn that gets them nowhere. The objective is to be principle based or appeal to common principles.
Principle 3: Arouse Eager Want in Others
Commentary: This effort is not only getting people to follow you but also to become self-actualizing centers on principle based character ethics discussed by Stephen Covey in his body of works. Covey's habits of beginning with the end in mind, thinking win-win, seeking to understand before being understood, and synergizing are habits that Carnegie has touched on in his first three principles.
Overall Carnegie shows through numerous historical accounts of individuals transformed, how these three principles changed their lives. Carnegie urges each of us to adopt these principles and put them into practice.
Please feel free to comment and discuss these principles.
References:
Carnegie, D. (1981). How to win friends and influence people. New York: Pocket Books.
Chapman, G. (2004). The five love languages. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.
Covey, S. (1989). 7 habits of highly effective people. (1 ed.). New York: Simon and Schuster.
Lewis, C. (1960). The four loves. USA: Harcourt Brace.
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