How to Avoid the Assured Way of Making Enemies: The Dale Carnegie Method

Commentary: This is a continuing series of posts reviewing Dale Carnegie's book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. This program is attractive in professional relationships due to it's time tested advice for those moving up the ladder of success. I have been introduced to Dale Carnegie training not once but twice. I attended Naval Aviation Officer Candidate School or AOCS during 1988 through which Dale Carnegie principles were first introduced to me, at least in part. Years later during 1999, I attended the Dale Carnegie school and coursework introducing me again to the Dale Carnegie method and principles.  I will be detailing only one principle a week in a shorter post in order to for you to digest the information. This series  may be reviewed at All the Principles in One Post

How to Avoid the Assured Way of Making Enemies

In the classic Dale Carnegie approach, he opens with examples. Theodore Roosevelt confessed he would have achieved his highest measure if he could be right 75 percent of the time. Carnegie reflects that many people cannot be right even half of the time. Then he tells people to be attentive to their body language. One can tell another that they are wrong through intonation, gesture, or look.  But what is the point? Will this make them agree with you? Never!  Telling someone they are wrong is a blow to one's intelligence, judgement, pride, and self-respect. More often than not, they will want to strike back and defend their position. You have hurt their feelings.

Carnegie remarks not to approach opinions with egotistical objectives or lay down a challenge. That positions the parties for battle. It is difficult enough in the most benign circumstances to handle opinions. Why begin with a handicap? To discuss sensitive topics do it subtly, adroitly. Help them find the knowledge but do not teach them. Be wiser, if possible, and be even wiser in not letting them know. Position yourself humbly remarking, "I may be wrong since I thought otherwise. Let's examine the facts."

Commentary:  Please noted that Carnegie is shifting a discussion from theory driven processing to data driven processing. Theory driven processing is built upon assumptions, whether right or wrong, then is most often supported by selective facts. Hence, introducing the differences in understanding. By focusing on the facts can strengthen a truth but there are no guarantees that the facts will be accepted since the other person. This is the case with arguments between Evolution, Intelligent Design, and Creationism. The purpose for the posture in many people's mind is greater than the need for the truth. The greater purpose must be addressed first before the secondary arguments of Evolution, Intelligent Design, and Creationism can be reasonably argued. Thus, many arguments simply cannot be determined since one or more parties are unwilling to surrender even to fact. Principle 10: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.  

Carnegie comments some people may admit they are wrong if handle tactfully and gently to others and may even take pride in being frank and broad minded.  But we are never receptive to those who ram an unpalatable fact down our throats. 

Carnegie touts using disarming techniques that acknowledge the openness to being errant, is humbling, then patient and tolerant of other views by listening first. For example, "We have made mistakes before and I am ashamed that we may have another mistake in your case. Please tell me about it."  This approach will stop all arguments and inspire dialogue. Be diplomatic as it will help you gain your point. Don't stir them up. 

Principle 11:
Show respect for another person's opinions. 
Never "say you're wrong"

References:

Carnegie, D. (1981). How to win friends and influence people. New York: Pocket Books.